The great drunken debate: HP vs LOTR
by roadkill-writer
Summary: Harry Potter meets Frodo in a bar. Who will argue their case best? Who will punch each other's lights out? Will Merry be saved from being Mauled by a bunch of orcs? Will Hermione and Pippin get together? *CHAPTER 3 UP*
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: "Who owns the LOTR characters? Most unfortunately, not me. But let it be known that if I did, I would be empress of the world and you would all bow at my feet," That's a little message from my dear friend (name withheld), who is quite as insane as I am, and will take over the world with the dreaded duck-sheep, sometime. Don't bother suing me.  
  
This story is a little random joke on my part. Do not be offended by this if you are an LOTR fan or Harry Potter fan. It's merely a bit of fun…he he he…hey, what are you doing with that strait jacket? Get away from me! ARGHH!  
  
A Hobbit walks into a bar, along with his three mates. He orders a beer (after a little argument over age and ID) and sits down. A few minutes later, a wizard walks into the bar, hanging out with a couple of his friends. He sits down next to the Hobbit, orders a beer (after enchanting the bartender, since he's underage). For a while, they ignore each other, both preoccupied with their own concerns (the fate of the free people of Middle Earth and what to do about a certain snake-faced villain). However, booze has a way of bringing people… ahem… together.  
  
Frodo: (Looking at Harry's scar) So, you Harry Potter then?  
  
Harry: Yep (turns back to Ron).  
  
Pause.  
  
Frodo: saw your Movie.  
  
Harry: Yep.  
  
Another pause. Merry pops off to go cheat some orcs at poker, Pippin starts trying to chat up with Hermione.  
  
Frodo: It really sucked, I think.  
  
Harry: (turns round) and you really think your's can compare?  
  
Frodo: I think at least the actors tried to act in mine.  
  
Harry: I think you want to make something of it.  
  
Pippin: (to Hermione) So, like, where are you from?  
  
Hermione: (highly amused) do you realise you're almost twice my age?  
  
Shouting breaks out across the room. Apparently, the orcs have figured out Merry is trying to cheat them. Everyone ignores them.  
  
Frodo: I think it's just a bit rude, barging into our territory and all.  
  
Harry: Your territory? Excuse me?  
  
Ron: I think you're a mental, Mr Baggins.  
  
Frodo: That's right, our territory! Tolkien created the fantasy market, I think you've got some nerve pushing in like you own it.  
  
Harry: Oh, yeah, you're just jealous 'cos my books sold about three million more copies in five years then your's did in fifty.  
  
Frodo: With what? Didn't you ever notice the similarities between Harry Potter and The Lord of the Rings. Never occurred to you that your's is just a copy of mine?  
  
Harry: Whatever!  
  
Sam: And we got here first for that matter.  
  
Hermione: Hey, so, like, what do you do? I can never figure out what Hobbits have as jobs. I mean, apart form Sam.  
  
Ron: It doesn't matter who got here first. Our books are five times better then yours anyway.  
  
Harry: And if you can't admit that, then you can't admit you have a problem.  
  
Frodo: (Draws Sting, Jumps on Harry) Take this, scar-head!  
  
Merry is seen catapulted across the room. He jumps up, unhurt, and runs into the men's room, slamming the door, and closely followed by the orcs.  
  
Frodo and Harry wrestle on the floor, screaming insults at each other. Ron cheers them on, while Sam grabs the back of Frodo's cloak and tries to pull them apart,  
  
Sam: Why is it that every time we go for a drink you end up beating up on some other book character?!?  
  
Frodo: We were here before you, and now you've made the public lose faith in us! You tried to destroy us!  
  
Harry: (wand drawn, trying to cast spells but missing by a long shot, as the two are rolling about on the floor) We were doing you a favour! You're old hat! You're history! Cold fish! Dead ducks! You're boring! No one cares about you any more!  
  
Frodo: (Abandoning sword, aiming punch at Harry) Your story sucks! You can't even get a decent movie made out of it!  
  
Harry: (Dodging punch) Your's was just a lot of gory fights, special effects and short people falling off things!  
  
Frodo: ARE YOU DISSIN' SHORT PEOPLE!?!  
  
Pippin: So, what sort of magic do you know? What's Hogwarts like?  
  
Orcs are banging on the W.C door, screaming curses. Merry responds with a string of swear-words from inside.  
  
Harry: (Rolls over, wand forgotten, fastens hands around Frodo's neck) You bet I am! How can you write a book where the main character is three feet tall?  
  
Frodo: Ghakkk! Shkkakkkssh! *Choke choke.*  
  
Ron grabs Harry and pulls him off Frodo. Sam helps Frodo up, both pairs are glaring daggers at each other.  
  
Ron: (picks something off floor) Hey, look What I've got! (dangles THE RING on it's chain.  
  
Frodo: (Gasps) Give that back! (Grabs Harry's wand from floor, points at Ron) Now!  
  
Harry: My wand!  
  
Hermione: (listening intently to Pippin's story) Weird! I really would love to meet Ents, they must be fascinating!  
  
Pippin: Yeah, great blokes. Speaking of meeting, I was just, like, wondering if you, sorta had a boyfriend? You really dating that Krum guy?  
  
The orcs have broken down the door of the Men's room, screaming at the top of their lungs. A riot has broken out around them (it's the opposite end of the bar from where the Hobbits and Wizards are) and chairs are being chucked across the room.  
  
Harry: You can't use that anyway, it only works with wizards.  
  
Frodo: (a few sparks shoot out of the wand) want to test that theory? Give me back the ring!  
  
Ron: Come and get it! (Dangles ring in front of Frodo's nose).  
  
Frodo: (Gives wand to Sam, makes a grab for Ring, but Ron pulls it out of his reach) Hey! Give it back you b@%#*d!  
  
Sam and Harry are circling each other, Sam waving the wand and shooting fire at Harry. Pippin and Hermione are trading cell-phone numbers (what do you mean, Hobbits don't have cell-phones?) Frodo continues to jump up and down trying grab the ring from Ron, but Ron holds it just too high above his reach. The orcs have broken into the men's room, and are screaming when they find Merry gone. The bartender is trying to break up the riot, and a couple of bouncers are heading for the orcs, which are proceeding to rip up the urinals.  
  
Harry: (jumping back from Sam's assault) Oi! That's not fair! I'm unarmed.  
  
Ron: (cracking up at Frodo) Ha! Pity you don't have an elf handy!  
  
Frodo: Want me to get one for you!? (Whips out cell phone) (Hey, I told you Hobbits have cell phones).  
  
Hermione: (Looking around at the chaos for the first time) Do you want to go outside?  
  
Pippin: (looks over at Ron teasing Frodo and Sam about to set Harry's hair on fire) Um, …hey Sam? You don't mind if I go outside do you?  
  
Sam: What? No, go ahead (to Harry) Ha! My height's not so funny now, is it?  
  
Bartender walks up, eyeing the situation not at all happily.  
  
Bartender: Alright you lot, the orcs have beat it, why can't you? I don't want any more trouble, so scram!  
  
While Ron and Sam are distracted, Frodo snatches the ring and Harry pinches his wand.  
  
Harry: HA! I'll show you a fire spell, shortie!  
  
Ron: Ohhh! Come one Harry, let's go.  
  
Sam: (whew) Let's go Frodo, leave the freakin' wizards to their evil deeds (hands Frodo Sting back).  
  
The four characters walk out the door, not turning their backs to each other once. Outside, Pippin and Hermione are kissing. Harry and Ron grab three broomsticks from the broom- bike-&-horse rack, and the Hobbits retrieve their ponies.  
  
Pippin: Call me.  
  
Hermione: Come see me this weekend. At Hogsmeade.  
  
The two wizards and one witch mount their brooms.  
  
Frodo: (as the three others fly away) Smart-Ass wizards!  
  
Ron: Screw you!  
  
Sam: (pulls fingers)  
  
As the Hobbits get onto their ponies, Merry pops out of a rubbish skip behind the restaurant.  
  
Merry: Phew! Hey guys. Don't you think they should make toilet windows easier to climb through?  
  
Frodo: (grumpy) Shut up Merry.  
  
Pippin: (Sigh).  
  
Tune in next time, for more random bar fights and cross-species romance! HA HA HA! 


	2. Yet another chapter of this odd story! (...

Disclaimer: No, I don't own any of the LOTR characters, so there! I own only myself, my brain, and my moth-holey wallet.  
  
Also: To my friends which I have used in this fanfic, please please please don't be offended with me! I just needed you to be in here.  
  
1 The great debate: Part two  
  
By Road-kill Writer  
  
In a land called the Shire, where all is green and gay, and hobbits run rampant with bazookas (private joke), there was a hobbit, who usually lived in a hole, but right now lived in a shed, because Sam was sick of him and his giant hangover.  
  
Frodo: Ow! My head! Where am I? (Realises he's in Sam's gardening shed) Bugger! Did I get another hangover?  
  
Sam: (Pops out of wall) yes.  
  
Frodo: Arghh! You just popped out of a wall!  
  
Sam: No I didn't.  
  
Frodo: Oh. That's okay then.  
  
Sam: Anyway, where did you put your sword?  
  
Frodo: Ow! Head. No idea. Why.  
  
Sam: Rosie wants it. She says she has to scare away some tourists.  
  
Frodo: (Dives under wheelbarrow) help! Fangirls!  
  
Sam: No, she says they're not fan girls. She just wants sting, cause it glows all scary-bluey sometimes, even if there aren't any orcs right now.  
  
Frodo: Oh-  
  
Rosie bursts in door and grabs pitchfork.  
  
Rosie: That's the last straw! They're setting fire to my carrots! DIIIIEEEEEE! (She runs outside screaming curses).  
  
Frodo: Um…Sam, is she OK?  
  
Sam: Rosie? Fine, just a little protective of her carrots.  
  
They go outside. Standing in the middle of the vegetable patch, surrounded by burning carrots, is three figures wearing black shorts and t-shirts, and pointy sun-hats, and carrying touristy things.  
  
Sam & Frodo: ARGHH! Potter!  
  
Rosie: (bursts out of bushes with pitchfork) DIEEEEE!  
  
Ron: Sorry about all this chaps (deflects Rosie's attacks) Just that we're on holiday and wanted to see what a Hobbit house is like an all.  
  
Harry: Hey, it's that little guy from the bar!  
  
Frodo: (Sees Sting lying under a cabbage) Yah! Die, Potter!  
  
Sam: Please! If you have to fight, fight in Bag-End, not all over my cabbages!  
  
Rosie: Right. That's it, I'm calling in the Calvary! (She runs off).  
  
Harry and Frodo circle one another, swearing profusely.  
  
Ron: (Rolls eyes) All I wanted was a nice trip with Hermione! I need to prove to people that I'm not gay!  
  
Hermione: Oh look! Pippin! (Pippin and Merry have appeared on the other side of the vegetable patch. Hermione runs over).  
  
Sam: (To Frodo and Harry) Please, brothers, let us live in peace and harmony! (He turns into a hippy, complete with weird clothes, beads in hair, mangy dog, and rainbow matt).  
  
Merry: (Dodges Hermione and Pippin) What the bloody hell's going on here?  
  
Frodo stabs Harry in the neck, at the same time, Harry set's Frodo's hair on fire. They both die instantly.  
  
Ron: HAAAARRRRRRY! NOOOOO!  
  
Sam: FROOOODDOOO! NOOOO!  
  
The AUTHOR appears.  
  
Author: Dumb-asses! That was not supposed to happen! (Frodo and Harry are brought back to life, minus their weapons).  
  
Author: Now behave! OR ELSE!  
  
Frodo: Or else what? Who are you anyway?  
  
Author: I'm the author, you idiot! Or else I'll bring some of my friends here!  
  
Frodo: (Cowering) No! Not fangirls!  
  
Harry: This is what comes from being you. I never had problems with fangirls.  
  
Ron: Um, Harry, I don't think that's so much of a good thing.  
  
Sam: (Still in Hippy mode, now wearing a save the whales T-shirt) Oh mystical author person thing, who is your most popular of characters? Who should win this great debate?  
  
Author: Screw you! I'm not saying anything.  
  
Frodo: No tell us! You know it's LOTR. (He sees sword on the ground, sneaks up behind Harry with it).  
  
Author: What did I tell you!?!?  
  
She waves her hands a bit, and a girl appears on cabbage.  
  
Izzy: Cool! I'm in middle earth!  
  
Author: Izzy! Everyone is trying to kill everyone else! What am I gonna do?  
  
Izzy: Beats me. I'm going to go find a bow and arrow (wanders off in search of weaponry).  
  
Author: Damn! That didn't work. (Waves hands some more. Jenny appears).  
  
Jenny: Oh my god! HOW SWEEEEET IS THIS!  
  
Author: Please, please Jenny! You gotta help me! (Waves hands and Harry's wand, which was about to kill Frodo again, flies away) Everyone's trying to kill every one else!  
  
Jenny: Where's Jane? I reckon we could whip up something cool.  
  
Author: Forget it! I'll do it myself! (She waves her hands. Frodo flies into the air, dropping sting. A blind fold appears around Harry's head).  
  
Harry: Hey! I can't see!  
  
Frodo: Put me down!  
  
Jenny: Wait! I'll help you…for a price. Mwa ha ha ha ha!  
  
Author: Help me get this under control and I'll bring Tom Felton for you.  
  
Jenny: Done!  
  
Author: Right. First things first: Can you do mind control? I can, but I can't be bothered.  
  
Jenny: Sure (Merry begins running around in circles, acting like a duck.)  
  
Author: No, I need you to get Ron. He's run off looking for a Bazooka.  
  
Jenny: OK. (She walks off looking for Ron).  
  
Hermione: (To Pippin) You never called me.  
  
Pippin: Sorry, but my phone was nicked by a ringwraith.  
  
(Hermione suddenly turns to stone).  
  
Pippin: Arghh! (Stares at weird evil rock creature behind Hermione).  
  
Weird Evil Rock Creature: MWA HA HA HA HA! I am the weird evil rock creature! (Turns Merry to stone).  
  
Author: Hey! Who are you, and what are you doing in my fanfic?  
  
Weird Evil Rock Creature: I am darkness, and I am death! I will bring destruction and pain to this world! I will…  
  
Author: This is getting BOR-ring. (She waves her hand and whole fellowship appears).  
  
Borimir: Hey! I'm supposed to be dead.  
  
Frodo: (Still hanging in air) Help! He's going to take the ring! Get him!  
  
Everyone jumps Borimir, including Weird Evil Rock Creature, and the blindfolded Harry, attempting to kill him.  
  
Borimir: (Ducks) Hey! Oh why must everyone hate me? I was only doing what Peter Jackson asked me to!  
  
Jenny: (Appears with Ron, who has several bazookas tucked down his T-shirt) What the hell?  
  
Ron: (Sees stone Hermione) Hermione! NOOO! (Breaks down and cries) Why did they hate you so? Just because you were a know-it-all.  
  
Frodo: Ho, Hum, I'm still floating around up here you know.  
  
Author: Sorry (drops Frodo onto Legolas's head).  
  
Legolas: (Catches Frodo) hey! I thought everyone was supposed to love me.  
  
Author: Sorry, but I am immune! Mwa ha ha ha ha!  
  
Legolas: NO! I lose my only advantage! (Grabs for Bows and arrows, to shoot Author, but finds that Izzy has nicked them).  
  
Izzy: Cooooool! (Begins to fire arrows randomly).  
  
Ron: DIEEE! (Begins to shoot bazookas).  
  
Harry: (Pulls Blind fold off, ducks bazookas). Watch it!  
  
Jenny: Where's Tom Felton? You said you'd bring him!  
  
Gandalf: Hey! Who chucked those Jandals at me?  
  
Gimli: (Sniggers, and continues chucking Jandals at Gandalf).  
  
Aragorn: The Nazgul are coming!  
  
Nazgul appear, acting evil.  
  
Tom Felton appears out of nowhere. He takes one look at the situation, and screams.  
  
Tom Felton: PEETTER!  
  
Peter Jackson: I'm not getting involved.  
  
Author: Tom! Only you have the power to stop this! (She grabs a nearby helicopter and begins shooting fireballs from it's exhaust pipe, laughing hysterically).  
  
Tow Felton: WHAT?! Why me? I'm blond, for god's sake!  
  
Frodo: (Is grabbed by ringwraiths) Heeeeeelp!  
  
Jenny: (Grabs a bazooka) Get fixing Tom, or else!  
  
Gandlaf: Get screwed, you stupid dwarf! (Begins chucking magazines at Gimil).  
  
Izzy: (Fires Arrows at Hermione and Merry. They Come back to life) Cool! I suppose I better help fix this. (She begins studying LOTR and HP books).  
  
Hermione and Merry: (See Chaos) What happened?  
  
Pippin: (Being chased by fangirls) Help! There's fangirls after me!  
  
Aragorn: What am I going to do? My sword's broken!  
  
Rosie: Oh crud! Look at my garden!  
  
Gollum appears. He sprouts wings and grabs Legolas's bow.  
  
Tom: Right! (He waves his arms. A key board appears.  
  
Tom: (Typing) Everybody's weapons disappeared. (Everybody's weapons disappear).  
  
Author: Awwww!  
  
Tom: (Still typing) Any one who was dead was brought back to life. Fangirls disappear. Gollum falls down dead. The characters were split up into their respected groups. The vegetables were repaired. Harry Potter, Ron and Hermione stand unhurt to one side. The fellowship stand unhurt to another. Izzy and Jenny stand in the middle. The Weird Evil Rock Creature disappears. Any extras (not including me) sit on top of Bag End. Everybody returns to how they should look and act. The ringwraiths are far away. Tolkien's grave stops spinning.  
  
(All this happens, including the part about Tolkien's grave.)  
  
Ron: Well, that's all very well, but it did screw up our holiday.  
  
Tom: I'm not done (Continues Typing) Harry, Ron and Hermione go for nice holiday in Aussie (A/N Yuck!). Jenny and Izzy return to NZ. Rosie starts gardening. (All this happens).  
  
Tom: Well, I think that about covers it. Bye!  
  
Author: (Crying) My fanfic! It's ruined!  
  
Pippin: Never mind, it was never that great anyway.  
  
Author: WAAAAH! I love you Pippin! (She disappears).  
  
Gandalf: Hang on, where's Frodo?  
  
Legolas: The Ringwraiths still have him!  
  
Borimir: (Stamps foot) Bugger! Now I'll never get the ring!  
  
Aragorn: We have a new quest! Let us proceed to rescue our befallen companion!  
  
Merry: Is that really proper grammar? Befallen. I don't think it is.  
  
Sam: Shut up. Onward! To rescue Mr Frodo!.  
  
They all trudge off.  
  
OK, maybe it does suck, but oh well. Sorry again to Izzy and Jenny, I just needed to make it more interesting! I would have put Jane and Caz in too, but they come I the next chapter! 


	3. Must...rescue...hobbits...

Disclaimer: Do I really need ANOTHER disclaimer, since I've had one in both of the other chapters?!?  
  
Sorry I haven't written anything for ages, I'm kinda working on about six stories at once!  
  
Note: Caz, please don't kill me. Jane, please don't kill me. Jenny, please don't send Draco after me to kill me. I know I shouldn't use names but I'm a sorry sight when it comes to giving people normal names. Oh well, I can always buy a hippy bus and run away from you lot with Sean Biggestaff and Pippin.  
  
1 Chapter three: The Suitcase  
  
Note: there are no suitcases in this fanfic.  
  
Pippin: I'm hungry  
  
Merry: I'm tired  
  
Pippin: I'm thirsty  
  
Merry: I'm sore  
  
Sam: (sobbing into hanky) Please, let me have a moment of silence in honour of poor Mr Frodo.  
  
Aragron: For god's sake Sam, this is the millionth moment of silence! There are only so many moments of silence you can have for one person!  
  
Pippin: Besides, he's not dead yet.  
  
Sam: (Sobbing louder) Frodo! Oh Frodo, how could you die on me?  
  
Merry: HE'S NOT DEAD YET!  
  
Sam: (lies on ground having a tantrum and screaming) He's dead! Oh, he's dead! WAAAAAAAAAH!  
  
Borimir hit's Sam on the head with his sword, picks up the unconscious hobbit and throws him over his shoulder.  
  
Pippin & Merry: Aww, do we have to take him with us? Can't we just dump him down a cliff?  
  
Legolas: (Pops out of tree) where's Gimli?  
  
Everyone looks around. Gimli has disappeared.  
  
Borimir: (Hands Sam to Pippin) We better split up. (Proceeds to make cow noises behind Aragron's back).  
  
Aragorn: What did he say before he left, since I wasn't paying attention?  
  
Pippin: (Collapses under Sam's weight) I think he needed to pee.  
  
Merry: I thought he went to pick flowers.  
  
Pippin: Yum! Flowers!  
  
Gimli is walking through the forest, picking flowers (sorry, I don't mean to say he's gay, I just can't help totally mutilating Gimli's character).  
  
Gandalf: (Popping out of a log) None of us should be walking alone, Master Dwarf. Least of all you.  
  
Gimli: (hiding flowers behind back) And that would seem like wisdom, but for the warning in my heart  
  
Gandalf: Warning? What warning? I want only the strength to defend my people!  
  
Gimli backs away, flowers still clutched behind his back.  
  
Gandalf: Why do you fear me? We're all afraid, Gimli. But to let that fear drive us to chuck jandals at people, that is madness. Why do you fear me?  
  
Gimli: You are not yourself.  
  
Gandalf: (a/n sorry, I'm skipping bits here) THEY SHOULD BE MINE! Give them to me!  
  
Gimli: NO! (They both fall over, the flowers are crushed) oh no! Look what you've done!  
  
Gandalf: Gimli? Oh, I'm sorry! A madness took me, I just had to get those flowers!  
  
Gimli: Well, Mr Wizard, why don't you get your own?  
  
Gandalf: Those ones are the nicest. Here, let me fix them (reaches for flowers).  
  
Gimli: No! (Pulls flowers away).  
  
Gandalf tries to grab the flowers, they both fall over again, and start rolling down the hill. This is a New Zealand hill, remember, and they can get pretty steep and pretty screwy…  
  
Gimli and Gandalf: ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!  
  
Everyone hears the screams. They jump up (Including Sam, since he's woken up) and look around.  
  
Legolas: That sounded like Gandalf and Gimli!  
  
Borimir: We had better find them! (He makes a good impression of a chicken behind Aragron's back).  
  
Aragron: We will wait until nightfall.  
  
Merry: Why?  
  
Aragorn: Since Gandalf's dead, I'm in charge. Mwa ha ha!  
  
Pippin: So why do we have to wait until nightfall?  
  
Aragron: Silence, mere mortal halfling! (Grabs Pippin by scruff of the neck and chucks him down the hill).  
  
Pippin: ARGHHHHHHHHHHHH!  
  
Legolas: That sounded like Pippin!  
  
Merry: Well, duh! Strider just chucked my cousin down a cliff!  
  
Borimir: Well, I'm not going to find him. He kicked me! (Continues by making a duck impression behind Aragorn's back).  
  
Merry: (calling down cliff) Pippin!  
  
Sam: Frodo!  
  
Legolas: Gimli! Gandalf!  
  
Borimir: I think we had better count to see how many people have not been wiped out by that stupid author.  
  
Author: HOW DARE YOU CALL ME STUPID! (Turns all of Borimir's clothes pink).  
  
Legolas: (Not realising that there's anything wrong) One, two, three…four.(Forgets to count himself) Five of our companions are missing.  
  
Sam: Oh no! Merry's gone too!  
  
Merry: No I'm not! (to Legolas) You stupid blond! You forgot to count yourself.  
  
Caz: (pops out of rock) Don't you call my elf stupid! Oh, how could you Merry! I have no choice but to kill you!  
  
Merry: No! Don't kill me! It's Pippin you want to kill, not me!  
  
Caz: Yeah, I do like you better. But I don't want to kill Pippin – I just want to wring his little neck sometimes. It's Jane that wants to kill Pippin.  
  
Jane: (Pops out of Aragorn) And I would have succeeded by now, if it wasn't for that damn author!  
  
Author: (pops out of a chicken) Look, if you people just won't stop insulting me, I will be forced to take drastic measures!  
  
Jane: Such as….  
  
Author: Permanently changing your character so that they never hate Pippin again! I can do that, you know!  
  
Jane: Noooooo! I won't kill him!  
  
Author: Well, I had him chucked down a cliff anyway, just in case, so you can't touch him.  
  
Jane: (behind Author's back) he he he…I will find Pippin…and then….(makes slapping motion with her palm as if swatting a bug).  
  
Caz: Where's Legolas? Leggy, darling, I want to meet you!  
  
Legolas is hiding behind Borimir (because he's fangirlphobic), who is hiding behind Aragorn (so no one sees his clothes) who is hiding behind Merry and Sam, (because he feels like it.)  
  
Author: Please get on with the story, people. Mush, mush!  
  
Everyone stares at her.  
  
Author: (Shrugs) hey, it's what my mum always says. Besides, you have better start listening to me or I'll out all the guys into fluffy bunny suits and drop them into a pit of rabid fangirls, then I'll get you two (points at Caz and Jane) and make sure you never see Legolas or Orlando Bloom again!  
  
Everyone stares for a moment after this long and tedious threat.  
  
Jane & Caz: but…but we're not even supposed to be here!  
  
Author: I need someone to fill the gaps of the people who have fallen down cliffs. Now what did I just say? WELL? Go look for Gimli and Legolas!  
  
Sam & Merry: (whining) I thought we were looking for Frodo and Pippin!  
  
Author: Later! They're safe. Well, Frodo's not, but he will be just as soon as hell freezes over.  
  
Caz: Can I snog Legolas on the way?  
  
Author: If you can catch him (Legolas has just bolted for his sanity).  
  
Author disappears. The fellowship (or what's left of it) gathers together and begin walking towards the horizon.  
  
In a forest not so far away, at about the same time…  
  
Frodo: LET ME DOWN!  
  
Witch King: (In high creepy voice) He, he, he! First, bow to us, mortal scum!  
  
Frodo: Bow to you? BOW TO YOU?! I am hanging by my ankles from a TREE! I couldn't bow to a CHIPMUNK to save my own skin!  
  
Nazgul 1: (whispering together) He does have a point.  
  
Nazgul 2: I'm sick of him complaining that the blood is flowing to his brain.  
  
Nazgul 3: And wailing that the circulation to his ankles has been cut off.  
  
Nazgul 4: And that he's hungry…  
  
Nazgul 5: And thirsty…  
  
Nazgul 6: And bored…  
  
Witch King: Silence! I decide what we do with the prisoner! ME! Not you!  
  
Nazguls 1 – 6: Aww! Screw you!  
  
All nazguls (+ Witch King) but Nazgul 7 – 8 wander off. (A/N Sorry about numbers, but…well… how do you name a ringwraith?)  
  
Nazgul 7 & 8 are left guarding the tree where Frodo is hanging. While they are not looking, he pulls himself up the rope and sits on the branch, pulls out a pipe, and starts to smoke (don't even ask what).  
  
Nazgul 7: I'm sooo bored, Darling.  
  
Nazgul 8 (Hereby to be called "darling"): Oh, Sweetie, I know what you mean.  
  
Nazgul 7 (Hereby to be called "sweetie"): What are we doing here, Darling? Why did we ever leave Minis Morgul?  
  
Darling: Look, take a peek at this to keep your mind off things (Frodo, listening from above, pulls back in revulsion, but "Darling" merely pulls up it's sleeve)  
  
Sweetie: Oh what a lovely little bracelet, Darling!  
  
Darling: I nicked it off something dead back at Minis Tirith.  
  
Sweetie: Oh, don't let Witch King see it. He'll go crazy and probably send you off to Barad Dur to have your brain scanned.  
  
Darling: (Shudders) You mean Bitch King! And I don't have a brain, I'm half dead.  
  
Sweetie giggles, which is a very creepy sound to hear from a Ringwraith.  
  
Darling: I have something for you, too…(Leans over and kisses "Sweetie". Frodo makes chocking noises whilst sticking his middle finger down his throat).  
  
Sweetie: (recovering composure and going all creepy again) Shut up, half- pint!  
  
Frodo: That's halfling to you!  
  
Darling: You just wait until we get the ring off you!  
  
Frodo: Just try it! You don't even know where it is. ("Darling" grumbles.)  
  
Frodo: But anyway, I have a little deal for you. If you set me free, I'll give you the ring and you can take it to Sauron himself.  
  
Darling: We don't need that! We'll find the ring anyway.  
  
Frodo: Ah! But there's the catch. If you don't let me go, I'll tell the Witch King that you two are gay! If he would get mad about a bracelet, I'm betting he'll go beserk if he finds out two of his soldiers are snogging!  
  
Darling and Sweetie look at each other.  
  
Both Nazgul: Blackmail! No! We couldn't live without each other! Please, we'll do anything!  
  
Frodo: I think we can make this worth both our whiles…  
  
A long way away… well, actually, once again, it's not really far away, and it's still almost the same time…  
  
Pippin: (Wakes up rubbing head) Ow! Stupid Strider! I'll get that ranger if it kills me. (Looks down at leg, sees large gash) argh! It's almost killed me already!  
  
Evil voice out of shadows: Sssss…look at what I here have found…a little mouse sitting on the ground…  
  
Pippin: (Tries to stand up, but leg gives way) Eeep! Don't kill me!  
  
Evil voice which has gotten considerably closer by now: One little mouse alone, where are it's friends…? By the dusk of the day I'll have it me my ends…  
  
Pippin: (Wailing) HEEEELP! Borimir! Gandalf! Strider! Merry! Anybody!!!!! (There's no sound but the dripping of leaves).  
  
Evil voice right next to Pippin's ear: Little mouse, little mouse, you'll be mine to take…little mouse, little mouse, I'll make you break…  
  
Pippin spins around. A blond boy is standing behind him, grinning evilly. At the sight of Pippin's face, he's cracks up laughing and rolls around on the ground, clutching his sides.  
  
Harry Potter: (Coming out of the trees) good one, Malfoy!  
  
Ron: Did you see his face? That'll teach you to chat up with my girl! (All three boys are laughing hard out by now).  
  
Hermione: That wasn't funny, Draco! I'm ashamed of all three of you! Ok, maybe it was funny, but it was still mean! Poor Pip!  
  
Pippin: Hermione! (She runs up and hugs him and they snog passionately. Ron makes chocking noises whilst sticking his middle finger down his throat. Harry elbows him.)  
  
Malfoy: (in usual drawling voice) Well, if you two are done, I think we should probably keep moving.  
  
Harry: Keep moving where? We're lost!  
  
Malfoy: Well is that my fault?  
  
Ron: Yes! You were supposed to pick us up and take us to the airport.  
  
Hermione: And you lost our plane tickets.  
  
Malfoy: Well, I'll just apperate you all…  
  
Hermione, Ron & Harry: NO!  
  
Malfoy: Look, I've been practising for AGES! Just let me give it a try!  
  
Harry: Get real! We'll probably end up somewhere way out in the middle of a pigs rectum!  
  
Ron: A what?  
  
Pippin: Well, as long as we're all lost, why don't we stick together and find the rest of the fellowship? Sam probably wouldn't notice if you stole his pony and nicked off to the airport.  
  
Hermione: Yes, let's go!  
  
Malfoy: Yes, let's go throw the runt down a well.  
  
Ron: (At the same time as malfoy) Yes, let's go throw Malfoy down a well.  
  
Harry: (At the same time as Ron) Yes, let's go all throw ourselves down a well and save us all the trouble.  
  
Pippin: Fine! (Pulls out a cell phone, dials something) Hello? Elrond? No, I'm fine, not. Is it possible for you to assassinate people over long distances? I know you were in some mob when you were younger but…yes. No, no, we must be more the fifty miles from Rivendell. Oh well. Just that I want to pay Strider back for…yes, I said Strider. Well he…  
  
Malfoy: (grabs phone and turns it off) God damn it! I hate cell phones!  
  
Pippin: Hey!  
  
Ron: (Grabs phone) What is it?  
  
Pippin: It's a cell phone, you prehistoric buffoon!  
  
Ron: Shut your face, you miserable little leprechaun!  
  
Pippin: Get lost, you freckle nosed, brain-dead heathen!  
  
Ron: You get lost, fat faced, girl-friend stealing, ugly, piggy, foolish, little worm!  
  
Pippin jumps on Ron and they start rolling around on the ground, yelling and screaming more insults at each other.  
  
Harry: Ron! Ron, you don't have to kill him! (there is no sign of this happening. Ron is being pinned down by the tiny figure who is kicking him.)  
  
Hermione: Peregrine Took, stop this at once! (She grabs Pippin around the waist and hauls him off Ron.)  
  
Ron: What did you do that for, I was just about to waste him!  
  
Malfoy: (Cracks up into hysterical laughter.)  
  
Pippin: He started it! Stupid stick-insect!  
  
Ron: What did you just call me?  
  
Pippin: A stick insect.  
  
Ron: Oh…Ok…then… um.  
  
Malfoy: C'mon. Let's get out of this stupid forest.  
  
Everyone follows Malfoy.  
  
Back with what's left of the fellowship…  
  
Caz: PLEEEEEZE Legolas! I LOOOOOOVE you!  
  
Legolas: (Refuses to come down from tree) no! P*** off!  
  
Caz: (Begins crying) don't you see? Just one kiss from your tender lips and…  
  
Jane: For god's sake, Caz! Pull yourself together! He's a fangirlphobic, he's not going near you!  
  
Aragorn: (Returns to group, where everyone has been watching the odd performance between Caz and Legolas) I have a lead! My special-super-hobbit- finding-gadget-thingymajig-suitcase-machine has picked up a reading!  
  
Everyone: Finally!  
  
Jane: I didn't think you'd ever get that thing to work.  
  
Aragorn: (Brandishing what looks like a cross between a cell-phone, a TV remote and an egg carton) Of course it works, milady! It was designed by myself!  
  
Jane mimics Aragorn sarcastically behind the ranger's back, next to Borimir who is miming swimming around in circles. Caz sits and stares forlornly at Legolas, who glares back from the tree.  
  
Merry: If your gadget thingie detects hobbits, how do you know it's not Pippin it's picking up?  
  
Aragorn: Ah, Merry, there's something I have to tell you, (Puts arm around Merry like a loving father-figure. Merry shuffles away slightly) I don't know if you're old enough to know this, Merry, but I hope your ready. As I was walking around, picking up signals on my special-super-hobbit-finding- gadget-thingymajig-suitcase-machine, I came across a very sad sight. There lay a little skeleton, with poor Pippin's scarf around it. I'm sorry to tell you this, Merry, but your cousin has…(Aragorn brushes an imaginary tear from his eye)…passed away unto the heavens (sniff).  
  
Merry: What!? But I only saw him a few hours ago!  
  
Aragorn: It only takes a few hours for such a sorrowful tragedy to occur.  
  
Merry: Can I see his…uh…remains?  
  
Aragorn: Sadly, no.  
  
Merry: Why the bloody hell NOT?!?  
  
Aragorn: I buried him. Fear not, young hobbit, for your companions are beside you, and we will see you pull through this step in your life. (He walks away, leaving Merry sitting quietly on his own).  
  
Jane: (Walks up eating an apple she nicked off Sam) You know, that ranger's not all that bad a liar, (she pat's Merry on the back) don't worry! I won't let anyone kill Pippin but me.  
  
Merry: Great. I'm totally relieved.  
  
Jane: (Ignoring sarcasm) That's good (Looks over at Jane) oh s**t – Caz! Caz you're going to fall! Get down from there!  
  
Finally everyone gets under control. Aragorn (who, I'm sad to report, is turning into a control-freak) leads the fellowship of in the direction that the special-super-hobbit-finding-gadget-thingymajig-suitcase-machine is bleeping.  
  
special-super-hobbit-finding-gadget-thingymajig-suitcase-machine: Bleep! Bleep! Bleep!  
  
Caz: ShutupshutupSHUTUP!  
  
Sam: It sounds like a sheep with asthma!  
  
Aragorn: Look you mangy half-wits, do you want to find Frodo or not?  
  
Sam: Frodo! (Starts crying once more)  
  
Borimir: Oh, look what you did now!  
  
Legolas: Aragorn, you need to take social lessons! You were bad enough when you were loner, your even worse now that you're a control freak!  
  
Aragorn: Stupid blond! It's called leadership! Can't your measly brain process that?  
  
Legolas: (pouting) there's nothing wrong with blondes!  
  
Aragorn: (sarcastically, in high-pitched voice) Oh! There's nothing wrong with blondes! Oh, look! I'm Legolas! I'm so beautiful! I like to walk around shooting arrows at everything and playing with my hair!  
  
Legolas: Yes well at least I have hair!  
  
Aragorn: I have hair!  
  
Legolas: That's not hair! That's melted plastic! That's raw wool that's been shoved up a pig's rectum!  
  
Sam: A what?  
  
Aragorn: Why you…!  
  
Legolas and Aragorn circle each other. As their emotions over came their sense, the two anchient rivals felt a power charging inside them…fuelling their anger…strengthening their magical hatred…  
  
Jane: Who's reading the script? Who's saying those stupid lines?  
  
Merry: Look! A big ball of light!  
  
Sam: On Legolas and strider!  
  
A big ball of light on Legolas and Aragorn gets bigger. Lots of magic, yadda, yadda. Borimir grabs Caz, Caz grabs Legolas and Merry, Merry grabs Sam, Sam grabs Jane, Jane grabs Bill the Pony, Bill the Pony Pokes Aragorn with his nose, there's a big flash.  
  
Boom.  
  
Everyone coughs. Sam brushes Bill the pony. Jane and Caz wipe sparks off their clothes. Borimir waxes his surf board. (What? He can surf!) Legolas brushes soot out of his hair. Caz brushes soot out of Legolas's hair. Somewhere, not far away, somebody chokes. No, it's not the people reading this fic who are so disgusted by my lack of writing skills and total randomness.  
  
Legolas: Where are we?  
  
Sam: Look! Two gay Nazgul!  
  
Merry: Great Sam, their probably friends of yours.  
  
Jane: They haven't seen us yet! Hurry, behind that convinient big rock over there!  
  
Everybody runs and hides behind convinient big rock.  
  
Aragorn: Right. Legolas, go down that slope. If anything comes down it, shoot it. Caz, go find some army or something. Those riders of Rohan or whatever – they'll do. The rest of us will make a surprise attack and grab Frodo – wherever he is – and run. Got it?  
  
The rest of them: Right. This plan sucks.  
  
Aragorn: You come up with something better!  
  
Caz leaves. Legolas walks down hill, out of sight. Everyone else rolls their eyes at Aragorn.  
  
Aragorn: Ready? ATTAAAAAACK! (He runs off to attack. Everyone sighs and follows).  
  
Darling: (Talking to Frodo) try blackmailing us like this, why don'tcha!?  
  
Sweetie: Rotten halfling! (Suddenly the realise there's a crazy Ranger attacking them).  
  
Sweetie: Not you again! (weather-top, remember?)  
  
(everyone else attacks too. Sweetie and Darling scream girlishly and run away).  
  
Sam: (hugs Frodo) Frodo! Oh, what have they done to you?  
  
Frodo has been wrapped up tightly in a wide roll of bubble-wrap. He has several fantails shoved in his mouth (A/N no animal cruelty intended!)  
  
Frodo: MMPH MMMNNN MUUUFF!  
  
Borimir: We must get him to safety!  
  
Aragorn: Quick! Roll him down the hill!  
  
Jane: Didn't you tell Legolas…  
  
Aragorn: Silence, woman! Do as I say! (He gives Frodo a kick and rolls him down the hill).  
  
Frodo: NNNNNOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooooooooooooo(fades away).  
  
Sam: Frodo!  
  
Merry: Uh..heads up…heh heh heh…  
  
All the rest of the Nazgul have popped up. They all draw swords. Behind them is a huge army of orcs and trolls.  
  
Aragorn: Eeep! This is beyond even my superior fighting skills!  
  
Borimir: RUUUUN!  
  
Everybody runs. Straight down the hill. They are narrowly missed by several arrows before Legolas realises who it is.  
  
Legolas: Idiots! Look, I already shot Frodo! (He points at Frodo, who has been shot. Luckily, his large layer of bubble-wrap has protected him.)  
  
Jane: We have top get out of here!  
  
Legolas: Where? (Points behind his. There is a solid rock wall at the end of the slope.  
  
Sam: Trapped! At least I'm with Frodo…(throws himself at Frodo).  
  
Frodo: Are you sure you're not gay, Sam.  
  
Sam: I swear Frodo! I still have to get married to a girl and have thirteen kids, remember?  
  
Merry: Incoming! (Orcs, Trolls, Nazguls, Giants Eyes, ect, are coming down the hill.)  
  
Sweetie: (Points at Legolas) Oh! He's cute!  
  
Darling: (Points at Frodo) But look at his eyes!  
  
Witch King: Shut up! (Bashes gay Nazgul around head).  
  
Everybody: ARGHHHHHHH!  
  
Caz:NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! (Takes breath, still running towards them. She is dressed in a Samuri outfit and has two swords) OOOOOO  
  
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! !!!!!!!!!  
  
Caz: Hiiiiiiiiyyaaaaaa! (Karate chops first Nazgul ,whacks second with swords, slices three orcs in half, ect…)  
  
Merry: (turns to Jane) where did she learn to fight like that?  
  
Jane: She didn't. She just saw Legolas in trouble and…well, see what I mean? (Caz has just bashed the heads of two cave trolls together and crushed half a dozen orcs by dropping the bodies on them).  
  
Borimir: (Slicing up a couple of orcs himself) it's no good! We're done for!  
  
Witch King: Baaagggginsssss…give ussss…ring…  
  
Frodo: Eeep!  
  
Aragorn: Damn it, Caz! I told you to get an army!  
  
Caz: (spins around and kills twenty orcs) I did my best! (She points, then knocks three Uruk-Hai into a Nazgul).  
  
Harry, Ron, Hermione, Malfoy and Pippin come running down the slope (somehow). They reach the fellowship and starting blowing things up.  
  
Sam: WAAAAH! We're gonna die!  
  
Malfoy: See! SEE! I told you my ability to apperate would come in handy! Grab hold, everyone! (Everyone grabs his out-stretched arm, including Caz, who comes back-flipping down to meet them).  
  
Malfoy: Poof!  
  
Somebody: Where are we?  
  
Somebody else: Not in a pigs, rectum, at any rate.  
  
Somebody else again: What?  
  
Malfoy: It worked! Told you it would work!  
  
Pippin: Somebody's biting my foot!  
  
Borimir: Get your foot out of my mouth!  
  
Aragorn: Ow! Did I just stab someone?  
  
Frodo: Gasp! Choke! Agony! No, only joking, I'm OK.  
  
Sam: Somebody's sitting on my head!  
  
Ron: Whoops, that's me.  
  
Caz: I saved you Legolas! Now will you give me just one little kiss?  
  
Legolas: (Shudder) why?  
  
Caz: PLEASE!  
  
Legolas: ….um….well, this isn't leading to anything! (He finds Caz in the dark and pecks her on the cheek. Caz grabs his and snogs him hard out).  
  
Legolas: NOOOO! (he falls backwards, and a door flies open. Everyone tumbles out onto a floor, out of the cupboard of S9 at a certain school how they all fitted in there I don't know)  
  
Isreali guy with american accent: Caz! Jane! There you are! Who are all these people?  
  
Jane: Crap.  
  
Caz: (Sigh) I'm love Legolas.  
  
Author: Ha ha! Thought you could get away without me screwing up your story totally once again, did you? PREPARE TO MEET MY CLASSMATES!  
  
Somebody: Hey, whatever happened to Gandalf and Gimli?  
  
Author: Crap.  
  
Far, far way…  
  
Gandalf: We've been walking for hours. Where are we?  
  
Gimli: I dunno, but there's all these big metal birds flying about in the sky.  
  
Gandalf: And there's a big building with lots of taxis in front of it.  
  
Gimli: Airport, I guess.  
  
Gandalf: Look at this! (Reaches down and pick something up off the ground) What are these?  
  
Gimli: It says: "Plane tickets," one say "Harry Potter and Ron Weasly," and the other says, "Draco Malfoy and Hermione Granger."  
  
Gandalf: Hmm. We could use this.  
  
Far, far away, there is the sound of a large bird being briefly, but noisily, ill. (A/N if you've read a certain sick but entertaining book, you'll know what I mean.)  
  
Damn…I told myself I wasn't going to have so much violence in this chapter. Oh well. Please don't sue me.  
  
Thanks for reading! Please, no flames! Another chapter soon! Review if you can.  
  
Next Time: When the hobbits met Scobi and Joe! (maybe I should actually change their names this time…) 


End file.
